In the family

The loo is the thinking man’s temple. Yes, apart from finding eternal peace, I firmly believe that it is the origin of creativity, and of stale, insipid ideas. It is when you are unloading old shit from your system that new shit enters your head. So, I had this eureka moment yesterday and I decided to write about a few trivial observations related to… my family.

Mother’s call

I think females are born with inbuilt Creative Inspire 5.1 speakers which get activated soon after they give birth to a child. I have to mention beforehand that, people living in a multi-storey house with their parents could relate to the dire situation I generally end up in. For my mother, yelling out my name from the ground floor is like coitus. She simply loves it.

So, I was in my study room, slogging my ass off for the upcoming Common Admission Test and cursing the author for demotivating me, one problem after another, when I heard Amma bellowing from downstairs.

“Nikeeeeeel”

As always, I jumped up in my seat.

“NIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL”

Two more times and she would have burst a lung. I got up and walked downstairs, taking my own sweet time.

“Yes Amma?”

“You come NOW? The cable guy was here and I needed some change. Didn’t you realize that it was urgent when I was shouting?”

Now, you understand my problem right? It has been, is, and will always be “NIKEEEEEEEEEEEL”, irrespective of the urgency of the matter in hand. So tell me, how am I supposed to know when she thinks that she is shouting? Simply ridiculous!  Although, I can’t help but wonder about the possibilities of different scenarios if my name were not to be so lame and boring. I wish my parents had named me Venkatramana Govinda, so that every time Amma hollered “Venkatramana Govindaaaaa”, I could have gone running downstairs, yelling “GOOOVINDA”.

Jokes apart, it is just as well that I wasn’t named like my very knowledgeable friend, Panduranga Setty Subramanya Datta. I think Amma would have died screaming halfway through that name.

 

Sister’s dream

For fear of being castrated by my family doctor cum my personal wardrobe designer, I first thought of skipping this section. But, what the hell? No risk -> No adventure.

There is a thing or two that our leaders of the nation could learn from my sister. She should have been the head of the planning commission. She believes she is going to be the Platinum Queen by 2020, thanks to Yours Truly.

2016 Ugadi – My bro is buying a platinum nose ring for me.

2017 Birthday – My bro is buying a platinum finger ring for me.

2018 Wedding Anniversary – My bro is buying a platinum toe ring for me.

2019 Diwali – My bro is buying a pair of platinum ear rings for me.

2020 New Year – My bro is buying a platinum neck ring for me.

Some great man said, Take care of the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves. Yeah, try doing that with your sister camping in your pocket, Mr. Great Man. I’m barely able to make my ends meet here and she comes up with different versions of her wish-list. Nevertheless, you have to give credit for her thinking. Her undying belief that continuous persistence for the platinum o’ five would at least result in a complete golden set is to be much appreciated.

But Akka, here’s some breaking news for you – I am not Shivraj Kumar from Kalyan Jewellers. I do have my own plans in place. Although I can’t drive a car yet, I’m going to buy an Audi R8 Spyder, fix the number plates “cmus-007” and drool all over it.

Daddy logic

Fathers take education too seriously. I mean, way too seriously. Sometimes, their chain of reasoning goes so much off track that you just stand there baffled, trying unsuccessfully to connect the non-existent dots.

11^th grade :

“Go get some tea for me.”

“ Err Appa… I actually don’t know how to make tea.” (True story)

“ What?! The whole world will laugh if they get to know that a science student can’t make a cup of tea.”

At times like these, I tilt my head 45 degrees to the left and start seeing stars on the wall.

Weird world. Science<-> Tea?!

B.Tech Final Year:

“ This printer is not switching on.”

“ There seems to be no loose connections, Appa. Must be some hardware problem.”

“ Well, try to fix it no? You ARE in electronics branch.”

“ Eh? … Oooh!”

One: This, he expects from a guy who didn’t know what a half wave rectifier was in the third year.

And two: Come on Appa. Don’t insult tronix engineers now.

PS - I can make awesome buttermilk!

 

And finally the little devils

“Kindergarten cousins” – They are the devil incarnates. These children of God act as if they don’t possess a single evil bone in their body. They look innocent. They act innocent. But, if truth be spoken, they are the epicenters of mischief.

So, I was just lying down on my bed, listing down various ways (on my laptop) to capture Katrina Kaif’s attention, (I know. My standards are falling down.) when little Johnny entered the room *POTC theme music*, digging out gold from the deep recesses of his nasal cavity with his index finger. I warned him not to step on the laptop charger.

“Careful over there. My laptop’s battery is dead. But, don’t tell that to my mom eh?” I told him with a wink and a mischievous grin.

He just froze for a moment and then, bolted out of the room, screaming”AUNTEEEEE”.

Very nice cmus. These ‘secret sharing with kids to get them on your side’ tricks worked only in black and white movies.

Of course, my mom abused me and Hewlett-Packard impartially later on.

As I was finishing my list, little Johnny entered my room once again, this time sucking his thumb. Then, he pulled out his thumb, came over to me and slapped me on the backside of my neck. “What are you doing Anna?”

I just controlled myself from punching him in the face.

“Could you please leave me alone for ten minutes? I have some work.”

I couldn’t believe that the magic word actually worked. He left the room without much fuss.

Almost.

On his way out, he “accidentally” tripped over my laptop charger.

“Ohh, sorry Anna.” He said with a sad puppy face. We maintained eye contact for exactly two seconds and before I had even started chasing him out of the room, he dashed towards my mom, letting out a wail”AUNTEEEEE”.  

Son of a gun.

But, I do love my younger cousins. Many a time, their pranks put an x²=y on my face.

What?! Geek, remember?