If you don't watch football, it is ok.

Your weekends are ruined by these people. You go to a restaurant, they talk about football. You go for bowling, they talk about football. Arey, you go to a temple also, they talk about football.

Boss, I know you are crazy about football ok? But, why you want to show so much attitude? So what if I don’t know who Liverpool’s manager is? Do you know who the present Indian Men’s hockey coach is? No na? Then, why you laugh at me, I simply don’t understand. Whose liver, what goes?

When you suddenly start talking about gigs, I’ll obviously ask with full excitement, “Which concert? Where?” You should tell me first only that you are actually discussing about some football player no? Stupid fellow.

Oh and if we watch a match together…over. Death only. I can’t even ask you how it was an offside. You pass my valid question to the next guy and both of you roll on the floor laughing your ass off. What yaar, you could have just told me the striker was not supposed to stand behind the opponent’s last defender. How else will I learn? And then, after two beers, the next guy also asks sarcastically ki how many players are there on the field. When I say 21, you start giggling like a girl instead of noticing that red card over there. That’s why, listen to me now and then. At least stop watching football when you are drinking.

How much naatak you do brother! Worst drama, I tell you. If one of your team players falls down, you act as if you only lost one leg and start screaming. If you think it was a foul, then tell it was a foul. Why bang the TV? Poor TV. What did the TV do? You curse the opponent team player and claim for a yellow card also.  Those two fellows only are saying sorry to each other and shaking hands, what is your problem man?  Colour card, it seems. Just because I don’t know that much about football, you thought you could put a garden to my ears aa? No chance sir. I am closely following the referee, mind you. I didn't hear any whistle and all.

And if it’s a goal, my god! Someone should think it’s the first time you are watching the ball hit the net. You yell like anything GOAL GOAL GOAL, making me half deaf. Then you update your facebook status message GOAL GOAL GOAL and then you update on twitter GOAL GOAL GOAL! What goal goal goal man? Even that unborn baby knows it’s a goal. So, who are you trying to convince? If you are so happy then at least give me a treat na. I’ll also jump up-and-down with you.

Best is when Rooney is taking a free kick. All of you start speaking at the same time. “Left post definitely.” “No da, right top corner” “He’ll make it curve like thisss” I don’t think Rooney only knows where he is going to kick. Full psychoanalysis you want to do. For all you know, he might be thinking about the cold shower after the game. At least, pray to god that he doesn’t twist his ankle while taking the free kick. It will be good for both of you.

Ladies, you are also no better ok? I have seen how publicly you show your undying love and affection. “Awww, Messi is cho cuuute. Mwaah.” I think Messi will kick his own balls if he sees that. You also write with full feeling, “Ohh, I luvvv Van Persie” decorating it beautifully with twenty hearts. He scores one hat-trick means you fall in love, is it? You want to show that you are the biggest football fan by proposing to young players who so-and-so-fans haven’t even heard of. You thought we won’t find out the real reason for you going full gaga or what? You just want half of those dollars\euros\pounds which they get. Why else would you want to marry a stinky fellow who is sweating half of his life time? Simply trying to fool us.

Ok, I wear Barcelona jersey when I go out to play football. But, I don’t understand why you keep asking me all the time why I wear it if I’m not a Barcelona fan. Boss, please try to understand. Those jerseys are easy to wash. That’s why I wear them. You wear Pique’s jersey means you can tackle Ronaldo, is it? You can’t tackle a stone only, what you will tackle Ronaldo?

At least, come out and play no? You will be fit and active. What you get from playing fantasy football premier league online, I am still trying to figure out.

I just sit and watch with you sometimes because I love the sport. And I try to apply some of those tricks while I’m playing. Maybe, we can go out to the field and practice a few of them together. Just don’t ask me nonsense questions about this player and that player and all.

I think The L(egendary)ocal Tea Party is telling me to stop my lecture now. So only, I’m stopping.