A porn encounter with dad

It is as simple as this. My dad caught me watching porn.

In my twenty two years of existence, this has got to be the most embarrassing or "Dear dinosaur, please rise from the dead and eat me alive" moment. It was not just any 18^th century, vintage, slow, soft core shit, but a full screen, 1280 x 1024 resolution, dead on hard core, HD porn.

So, it was just another sultry afternoon and I was sitting in front of my desktop, in the study room [ironic name –study room], fatigued from boredom, surfing slowly through Facebook, trying to get into these females’ minds who ‘like’ their own solo pics. Yeah. THAT jobless. And then, I suddenly felt the need to know on what was happening in the real chick world. I just wanted to see the latest who’s who there, really. We guys want to keep ourselves updated about every top story, you know. So, I opened a new tab, typed in the URL for hot stories and pressed enter. There was a new entry – Sam [short for Samantha, if you are interested]. I was intrigued and I clicked on the link.

Two minutes later… full screen comma head phones in place comma eyes glued to the monitor comma both the hands tapping impatiently on the desk full stop[I don’t know why I added that last line, seriously.]

Then, there was a sudden gasp of astonishment from ten feet behind me, followed by an absurd, incoherent ‘Uiiiyyyyyy’.

A missed heart beat. I.am.so.screwed.

I turned back and stared blankly at my pithashree.

While Sam was crying in ecstasy in my ears, 

"Oh god! Yeah, yeeah, yeeeah! Please! Come on! YES, JUST LIKE THAT!"

the innocent me was… well just crying inside.

"Oh god! No, noo, nooo! Please! Come ON! Noo not like THIS!"

The next two seconds, I was Captain Flash from the Atom City!

 

Swish - A 180 degree turn to the desktop. Swish - Left hand presses the escape button to restore screen. Swish - Right hand uses the mouse to click that big X mark on the top right corner. Swish - Throw headphones onto the desk. Swish -A 180 degree turn back to dad and say,

“Hey dad, what’s up?”

You should have seen me at that moment. A 7.6 magnitude Bhuj earthquake could not have shaken off that disinterested, naïve, ‘Hey, mine is just another mediocre life, dad. What’s happening in yours?’ look from my face. Of course, I was ridden with guilt and I was looking fixedly at the vacant space two feet above his eyes. My dad shot a couple more uncomfortable, brief glances at the monitor. I was puzzled and followed his line of eye sight.

Oh Mozilla! Oh my dear Mozilla firefox! Please tell me, who gave you the thirty pieces of silver and made you the Judas Iscariot?! You just gave me the kiss of betrayal. There she was – Sam, dancing to her own tunes. Pure, simple joy on her face, with a tiny pop-up covering her only-for-18+ zone.

 Do you want to close all tabs? Yes / No 

GALACTUS, GREEN GOBLIN, JOKER – WHERE ARE YOU GUYS? THIS IS THE TIME FOR SOME TOTAL CHAOS AND WORLD DESTRUCTION!

All this time, I was the putta, chinna, bala Krishna, who drank lots of milk and licked butter off that Amul packet. Now. Now, I became Mr. Charlie Harper, who prides himself on his Playboy lifestyle in Malibu.

A.I. at its best. Artificial Idiocity, if you ask me. WHY can’t they just remove that moronic pop up message if ANY of the tabs contain the letter ‘x’ in its URL? Fuck it. I’m already dead anyway.

What followed was the most awkward conversation of my life.

Me - I… erm…so, dad…

Dad - I just… came to get an excel file [shows his pen drive]

Me – oh ok. Sure, you can use the comp. I was about to log off anyway.

Dad raises one eyebrow.

Dad – It’s ok. Just copy that file from the ‘estate’ folder. [ hands over the pen drive to me]

I dove into the CPU, trying to figure out a way to simply vanish, and fixed the pen drive. Then, as I copied the file to the pen drive, both of us intently gazed at the dull, grey, horizontal bar, slowly turning green, as if it was the most happening thing in this world. Steve Jobs could have declared, I'M BACK, for all we cared. It was done in less than four seconds. I pulled out the pen drive and passed it on to him. He thanked me and left the room saying, “Come down soon. It is lunch time.” I gave him a retarded reply, “Yes, yes, coming now only.”

I tried, unsuccessfully, to meditate and get back my composure. Then, after thirty seconds, I gave up, turned off the computer and went down with droopy shoulders.

I’m not sure if something will happen the next time I go home, but for now, I’ve taken an oath not to touch that desktop for the next six months at least. What will I do till then?

 Dharmakshetre kurukshetre samavetaa yuyutsavah;

Maamakaah paandavaashchaiva kimakurvata sanjaya.