MY NAME IS DAWG


 I am sick. I am weak. I have lost all hope in this world. I am as thin as your LCD monitor. You can count the number of bones in my body with great ease. I got some hair left on my head, like anyone gives a damn nowadays. I think I’m suffering from Mempholis disease, I’m not so sure. My eyes are swollen and yes, I stink! Bite me.

Or I’ll bite you!

My name is Dawg, and I’m not a terrorist. No, I’m not here to claim responsibility for the Delhi High Court blast, there are enough pathetic-wannabes already doing that. However, I am here to tell you a story. A story that has absolutely no value for you, but still, if you are even slightly intrigued, then it’s my pleasure to share my experience with you. For those bums who haven’t yet realized, I am a dog.

I am six years and twenty eight months old. There was a time when I was treated with respect, when I was honored, when I was The Lord of Marathalli, a nice little place in Bangalore. Alas, after Mempholis (I think), I became a nobody!

Here I was, in front of the corner house of Venkateshwara Layout, sulking on my own, continuing with my inconsequential existence, wondering if this would be my last day on my beloved Earth. I don’t know how I ended up in this remote area, I was not even sure if I was in Bangalore anymore.

So, it was a dark, cloudy evening, and all of a sudden, it started raining cats and… well, me, I guess? Someone had left the gate open. Oh God bless that man!  I looked up – House #82. There was something mystique about the number. Now, this rain was killing me, though I was already dying. I got up slowly and I dragged myself to the porch with great effort and resolve. I was exhausted. I had stretched my muscles a bit too much, but not a single soul to appreciate my tenacity. All in vain! Of course, I was now shielded from the cold rain; nevertheless, an “Attaboy!” from someone (anyone) wouldn’t have hurt a lot right? Aaah, where are those dim-wits when you need one?

Anyway, the front door of House #82 (WHAT is it about this number?! It is annoying when you KNOW something, but you just cannot recollect!) was pulled open and a tall, lean figure came outside. Someone called him from inside the house.

“Oye cumes!”

Cumes. What a stupid name. This has got to be the worst name ever-cumes. I’ll just name my third leg “cumes”, so that the next time I feel like taking a piss, I’ll say, cumes, up you go boy!

“Bazi, you moron! How many times should I tell you? It’s cmus!”

Bazi! Now, THAT is a name every legend(living) would die for, and every legend(dead) would have died-sooner for.

Bazi just laughed and joined cmus at the front door. He was wearing a red, oh wait, an Arsenal t-shirt. And THEN it clicked! House #82. 8-2!

Bazi asked, “So, did you get to know about the salary hike?”

“Yeah dude. Our company is too lame.”

And they started cribbing about their pay. As of last month, they were earning more than the US government. Then, the short-sighted fellow (not the literally short-sighted) saw me.

“Duuuuuude!”

“Ohhh come on! YOU left the gate open, didn’t you?”

“No, I did not!”

“Yes, you did! You were the last one to come.”

“No, I was not.”

Great! Another perfect couple! They argued for about half an hour, and then tried to think of a way to get rid of me. I took the time to know more about my “gonna-be-inmates”. I noticed that cmus was wearing an old, gray t-shirt with a bold tagline, “NITK The abode of the freaky genius!” He definitely did not like me. At least, Bazi was a bit kind and thinking of letting me stay for the night. They were about ten feet away from me, and the gate was ten feet from me on the other side. (Imagine an equilateral triangle with the front door, the gate and myself as the vertices – Yo! I’m a geek dog!)

Suddenly, cmus bent over and started shaking his hands frantically. He was saying something, but I didn’t catch it the first time. I lifted my head and looked at him.

“Boooooooo doggy booooooooooo”

SAY WHAT?!

“BOOOOOOOOO DOGGY… Shoooo shoooo…. Go doggy go”

I laid down my head back to the cemented floor, exasperated. cmus, get help bro! I seriously doubted the authenticity of the bold tagline. Well, at least it was half true. NITK freak! Even Bazi gave him a disgusted look. Then, he came over to me and started nudging me with his foot. Oooh that feels goooood!

“Move, you bitch!”

Hey! I ain’t no bitch.

Bazi gave up after a couple of tries. He realized that I was not in the condition to move anywhere. Then, the two nerds started discussing again, whispering, and formulating new strategies. I was least interested. Bazi went in and came back holding a newspaper horizontally with two hands and kept it in front of me.

FOOOOOOOD!! It had been almost four weeks since I had my last meal. Yes, I was fasting in support of Anna Hazare. Okay, who am I kidding? No one bothered to feed me, that’s all. And guess what, there was a piece of chicken too! Yummy!

“Chicken biryani, just for you!” Bazi said.

I forgot all my pain and exhaustion, and got up again to get a taste of that delicious bone! It smelt damn good! My olfactory nerves were alive! I started dragging myself again, inch by inch, to gobble up that…

HEY!!

Bazi was pulling the newspaper-with-food away from me. I was starving, and the sight of chicken had given me some strength. I simply followed it. Then, cmus silently swung the gate open, halfway. I just did not understand why they were teasing me with the food. Just give me the damn chicken! And then, cmus opened the gate a bit more…

OOOOOOOOOH HO HO HO !  YOU ARE A GENIUS AFTER ALL!!

Did you just see that? They were trying to kick me out! Nice try, freaks! I cursed them and settled right there, comfortably.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” The short-sighted (literally) guy exclaimed.

“Brilliant! Now, we can’t even CLOSE the gate!”

Serves you right!

“If only you had moved with a little more caution.”

“Oh yeah, Mr. Bond! You were reeeeally slow and stealthy over there.”

Ladies, ladies…Could you cut squabbling for a moment?

“So, now what?” cmus asked. A stupid question.

“What else? Just give the food now and let’s see tomorrow. Maybe, it’ll move out in the morning.” Bazi said.

Ah, I was thinking roughly along the same line! Great dogs think alike eh?

He placed the newspaper next to me and tried closing the gate. The gate was gently pressing onto my ribs.

“Move you bitch, MOVE!”

Hey! I said I AIN’T NO BITCH!

“Bazi, it is not a bitch dude.”

Thank you, cmus.

I moved in a bit and started to gulp down the chicken. There was a “Finally!” and a sigh from either side of me, as they shut the gate.

“You better be out of here by tomorrow!” cmus warned me, pointing a threatening index finger at me. I just yawned and prepared myself for a long nap. The two mulattos (well, actually I’m sure of only one) went back inside and slammed the door.

End of story.

Wait! One more point. This cmus is such a girl, really. He doesn’t sleep throughout the night, and neither does he let me. Non-stop, he cribs and mutters in his sleep. Apparently, one fine day, he and Bazi were on their way to the bus stop, when Bazi’s colleague (read a-semi-hot-chick) offered him a drop to the office. So, while Bazi merrily camped in the air conditioned car, flirting and making the poor girl blush to the roots of her hair, cmus was being shoved around like a jumping-jack in an over crowded bus by gentlemen who couldn’t afford a deodorant. Big deal! Such a cry baby you are, cmus. Get a life!

This is Dawg, former king of Marathalli, signing out from Venkateshwara Layout.

cumes, come boy, time for our evening stroll before taking a nap.




4 comments:

  1. If you happen to watch Telugu movies, watch Godavari. There's a similar theme in the movie. A Dawg talking about its surroundings and people..:-)

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    Replies
    1. One of my favourites happens to be a Telugu movie (Bommarillu).

      I'd be lying if I said that I would try to watch Godavari, cos a talking dog is not exactly my cup of tea (Well, apart from this blog post of course).

      But, give me an animated fly which dodges bullets with Matrix moves, any day!

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    2. The entire movie isn't about the Dawg. Just a small part. Its a nice movie.

      "An animated fly which dodges bullets with Matrix moves"..??
      I would have used Baygon instead of Bullets for that Eega...;-)

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    3. There can always be a sequel. :)

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